Outside my window lies freedom, outside my window lies a world which I help to rule, outside my window I belong.

I barricade my door and my heart begins to beat the well known rapid rhythm. I smile to myself, bite my bottom lip and crawl under my bed. It’s somewhere here I know it, I gasp for breath as my movements upset the settled dust and cobwebs. My elbow nudges into something bumpy. I feel it some more and then smile to myself, I have my bag. I pull out of the bed with my hidden treasure and sit silently on the floor. All my senses have peaked, waiting to catch any signs of disturbances. Nothing detected I climb onto my bed and hide myself and my bag under the duvet. I manage to contain an uncontrollable need to giggle.
I still have an hour but it’s been so long since we did this that I can’t seem to keep to the rules. My rules. I know it’s risky, if someone was to walk into my room right now it would be the end of everything. Yet that thought just ignites the excitement, blurring the rules some more. Lucky for me no-one walks in. No-one notices the odd bump my bag is making under the duvet and I don’t notice the notebook free itself from my bag and hide itself into the hills of the duvet.

The clock shows 11.30pm. The excitement brewing inside me is making me want to be sick. I swallow and tie the bag to my bottoms as I crawl to the window. Silently I pull back the curtains and look up at the dark sky. There’s enough moonlight to guide me without risking the use of a torch. I look back at my room and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My pyjama bottoms look flimsy for the journey ahead and I wish I could get changed but I can’t break that rule. All the excitement brewing within me could not make me break that rule. I shiver, give my reflection a flirty wink and turn to the window. As I begin my descend down the drainpipe I begin to hum Incy Wincy Spider…

I’m running through back alleys, my heart in my throat, fear is burning my insides. I try not to think of the what if’s. I try to believe its another window we saw the light being turned on. I live in a terrace after all it could have been anyone’s room that the damned artificial light shone from. I pick up speed and force my mind to think of the pre-planned life lines. The light is on in my room. I went downstairs to get some water. How long has it been? It takes me 20 minutes to reach the woods when I’m creeping. I’ve been running now it can have only been 10 minutes max. Ok so I heard a noise and I went out to see no that will lead to more crap. I’ve stepped into my alleyway, I slow down and urge myself to stop panting. All thoughts of the preplanned life savers disappear, fear takes over, its burning me, my eyes well up. I march on, forcing my legs to move. I’m outside the black gate. I curse myself for not opening it. The fear heightens, I hear the words you yelled just before I sprinted. It makes me smile and gives me hope, I can do this. I turn around and climb the wall opposite the gate, I walk backwards and aim to make it into my garden in one leap. The fear burning inside is coming together. I feel the internal drums warning me that I will be throwing up. I swallow this is all I can until I can hold it no longer and throw up a bloody mess on the moss beneath my feet. The fear has gone leaving a burning sensation in the back of my throat.

I take 5 steps back, run and leap. I forgot about the wheelie bin that sits just inside the garden. I land on it and my weight makes it lean back crashing my head onto the brick wall. I bite my lip and keep the screams silent. My eyes well up in pain and my head begins to throb. No time to waste I take out my key and let myself in.

My senses are alert again. I turn on the tap in the kitchen, take of my shoes, stuff them in my bag and hide the bag in the empty washing machine, ready to be claimed before the morning light. I hear no signs of activity and allow myself to think it wasn’t my room that was invaded. I stomp up the stairs. Innocent until proven guilty. I went down to get some water. I went into the garden, I needed fresh air, I don’t feel well. I repeat the lies with every step. My senses are still alert for any activity. I try to sense any emotion in the atmosphere. Maybe I can play on that. Nothing. I dare to think it again. Maybe it wasn’t my light. I turn the corner from the top of the stairs to the corridor leading to my room. The door is ajar, my shoe shelf barricade has been swept aside. The light is still on. I stop. The fear rushes back with the same drumrolls. It’s not my parents in my room. I can sense it. There’s no panic,, fear or even anger in the air. It has to be a sibling. Which means they won’t buy the lies. I toss my hair and then wince as the throbbing pain comes back to me.

Taking a deep breath I walk towards my room. Now my senses are focusing on me. Suddenly I can smell the puke. I’m aware of how red my cheeks must be and I can feel something damp and sticky at the back of my head. Crap my head’s bleeding. I open my door with no lie ready. I’m exhausted and almost grateful for the chance to unburden the truth. I see my brother sat crossed legged on my bed. My notebook in his hand. He’s oblivious to my entry. I choke back the tears as I realise he’s been reading it and he looks up. Our eyes meet and I notice his tears. It’s time to unburden the truth. I fall into his embrace no longer able to hold back the tears, the fear and the anger. Grateful to be able to unburden the truth.