sune ni kizu

We’re always making promises to ourselves. And to our Glorious Creator.

Sometimes we have to distinguish between promises and dreams.

There is so much I dream of.

I dream of being a mother.

Of changing the world by raising a saviour who can challenge injustice.

I’m not sure how much I can take.

I fight with them when they show me the test results because I don’t want to believe it. I don’t want to believe anything.

The thought of somebody I love so much having to look after me like that…

At some stage. You realise that you have to sacrifice for real.

It’s not those small choices that seemed big at the time.

It’s not about left or right or making a particular phone call.

It’s simpler than that. Continue reading “Promises” »

We are stood on the wall outside the gym. The sloping walkway plays host to deceptive shadows, sliding over the cigarette butts and energy drink cans.

Yasui

We are tired of being owned. After the twins left, it was like there was no right to self determination anymore. All of us have been played like Palestine at some point. Occupied and cast out from our own identities, shelters and relationships.

Watashi wa…

We watch the car park. Waiting for some sign of movement, some flicker of head lights. It is summer again, so the sun sets later. It must be after 10pm then. My belt is tied tightly around my waist with precision. My legs are growing fast, so my ankles have long escaped the stiff black material around them. My forearms are covered in bruises. Minefields. The soldiers pick themselves up again to continue running. Limbs blown in all directions. So many the ground is made of mistakes.

We no longer speak English. This is our protest. Although they pretend it doesn’t bother them, we know it does, we know more than there pride allowed them to maintain. The Japanese flag in the Dojo was taken down. Continue reading “Gomen Nasai – I am sorry” »

It was always a morning thing. I favoured a rough brick wall south of the house. While the others slept I would slightly bend my knees, sink my core into the ground and extend on arm, pushing forward the opposite hip, squaring up my shoulders and tearing with pain as my knuckles hit the hard exterior. At first. It hurt a lot. And then, when the pain had become a satisfying familiarity; I no longer felt susceptible to pain. I would keep a bucket of clear water and fresh bandages to wrap the torn skin with. And a bucket of soapy water, to clean any blood off the wall or the floor. None of it meant anything but a warm up, until weeks later, when the beautiful crack finally came. The centre knuckle shattered, sending a shock straight up my arm and into my shoulder. I looked down at the hand, a painted red and black mess. A jigsaw of defiance. The shattering wasn’t the real pain, the real pain came when the bones were healing, becoming stronger, expanding within the small frames of my hands. Continue reading “I remember when I used to break my bones” »

I was the only person who smiled on stage. I’m not sure what that means, but I guess it says a lot for who I am and why I bother with all this.

The air was hostile; potently unwelcoming.

We continued on our mission, as though we didn’t noticed, or were completely untouched by the reality.

But we are believers, reality is what we do.

A long awaited wake up call. Working hard just isn’t good enough when you forget what you’re working for. And it will never last. We achieved something incredible, defied the expectations of others. It didn’t come without struggle. Continue reading “Motivate me…Smile” »

We always need more time.

I often look at my own life and see how I steal so much from myself. Co-opt. Like I’m in my own recession.

Time, love, reality.

I keep making excuses for making excuses, because I’m sick of justifying everything to myself. Because one day I’m going to be accountable for it. And there will be no room for excuses.

So I’ve started to hold myself accountable. The problem is. I pick and choose. When I can handle it, I’ll ask for it. When I can’t, when it’s the people God has made me close to, the people who really, truly know me…I don’t want to hear it.

I cut them off halfway. Yes. No. I know that. I know. I do. I just need more time.

I’m figuring it out…honestly. Continue reading “It has gotten to the point” »