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Archive for April, 2010
I remember when I used to break my bones
Apr 24th
It was always a morning thing. I favoured a rough brick wall south of the house. While the others slept I would slightly bend my knees, sink my core into the ground and extend on arm, pushing forward the opposite hip, squaring up my shoulders and tearing with pain as my knuckles hit the hard exterior. At first. It hurt a lot. And then, when the pain had become a satisfying familiarity; I no longer felt susceptible to pain. I would keep a bucket of clear water and fresh bandages to wrap the torn skin with. And a bucket of soapy water, to clean any blood off the wall or the floor. None of it meant anything but a warm up, until weeks later, when the beautiful crack finally came. The centre knuckle shattered, sending a shock straight up my arm and into my shoulder. I looked down at the hand, a painted red and black mess. A jigsaw of defiance. The shattering wasn’t the real pain, the real pain came when the bones were healing, becoming stronger, expanding within the small frames of my hands. Continue reading “I remember when I used to break my bones” »
Motivate me…Smile
Apr 17th
I was the only person who smiled on stage. I’m not sure what that means, but I guess it says a lot for who I am and why I bother with all this.
The air was hostile; potently unwelcoming.
We continued on our mission, as though we didn’t noticed, or were completely untouched by the reality.
But we are believers, reality is what we do.
A long awaited wake up call. Working hard just isn’t good enough when you forget what you’re working for. And it will never last. We achieved something incredible, defied the expectations of others. It didn’t come without struggle. Continue reading “Motivate me…Smile” »
…he gave me Paul Coelho’s book ‘Manual of the Warrior of Light.’
There is one page that I think really relates to you and I.
“A warrior of light knows that certain moments repeat themselves.
He often finds himself faced by the same problems and situations, and seeing these difficult situations return, he grows depressed, thinking that he is incapable of making any progress in life:
‘I’ve been through all this before,’ he says to his heart.
‘Yes, you have been through all this before,’ replies his heart,
‘But you have never been beyond it.’
Then the warrior realises that these repeated experiences have but one aim: to teach him what he does not want to learn.”
the past
Apr 13th
Sometimes you have to take yourself out of reality to be able to see it. And so, thousands of miles from home, I finally let myself reflect. Looking back at words I penned a few years ago is painful. As if I was warning myself of what I was to become. Apathetic. Pathetic.
I spoke of escape, ‘awaiting exodus’. Painting images in my mind of a freedom I needed. I wonder now if I found anything more than a different place.
As though I could see, I spoke of a path upon which I fancied myself to tread:
“The guidance is here but people are weak.”
Today I revise the poem. Now it ends:
“And I am people – just look at me.”
The seeds of an activist are painted in words. What use is a metaphor? My words were for me: “Nothing you can do to stop their passing away.”
And so nothing did I do. Continue reading “the past” »
It has gotten to the point
Apr 1st
We always need more time.
I often look at my own life and see how I steal so much from myself. Co-opt. Like I’m in my own recession.
Time, love, reality.
I keep making excuses for making excuses, because I’m sick of justifying everything to myself. Because one day I’m going to be accountable for it. And there will be no room for excuses.
So I’ve started to hold myself accountable. The problem is. I pick and choose. When I can handle it, I’ll ask for it. When I can’t, when it’s the people God has made me close to, the people who really, truly know me…I don’t want to hear it.
I cut them off halfway. Yes. No. I know that. I know. I do. I just need more time.
I’m figuring it out…honestly. Continue reading “It has gotten to the point” »